I look for a disc.
it is a round CD
it hides under the tables, in
the drawers like a thief
with me in tow
an alchemist after silver
it is not in the living room, but I am
on the couch, gazing through the doors
at the summer sun of '93
it is evening,
the evening through the dusk-tinted windows draws me out
the moon perched on the housetops
(upon the red roof-tiles)
is adroit the scene of me
on a grassy garden, over
fences; under
gate swings wide open to
reveal a dog and her owner
and the sign of the neighbour which says 'FOR SALE'
and tugs at my arbitrary capacity for unhappiness.
those long ago nights.
long ago-nights. I knew no simple pleasures
only pleasures
only the treasures of beneath the neighbour-trees.
Those long ago-nights.
Too much, i step back in - search again.
My disc if i find it not,
i shall not be so unhappy.
adam
Thursday, August 10, 2006
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3 comments:
haha adam, i noticed it the day you posted it. just couldn't think of anything to say about it.
i got from it an unemotionalish view of modern life. the repetition in the penultimate stanza does give the effect of dwelling on something, but its even mildly obsessively so.
there's a sudden disjunct between discussing offhandedly your arbitrary capacity for unhappiness, and the emotional next stanza. kind of jars the flow, methinks.
haha this one is one of those that take multiple readings to get. on the second or third reading, i better get the picture and the flow, and it's a lot nicer. the sparse description forces my brain to rev up and fill in the missing bits in the picture you're painting, and that's a nice touch.
it's very flow-of-consciousnessy. not quite stream yet, which makes it easier to follow. haha good job! i liked it, even though i tend to go for more obvious-message poems.
i agree with derrick on the multiple reading thing... there're tons of little subtle tweaks here and there that i'm still trying to decode like "long ago-nights"
"an alchemist after silver" is a nice touch; does it mean you're half-hearted about searching for that disc (alchemist giving up on gold), or are you willing to settle for second-best (what the hell let's live life)? or am i missing something more
i feel a vague sense of loss from the poem. and the beauty of it (for me) is that it's kept vague and restrained, and the emotions that are usually associated with loss - of the past, of the disc, of neighbours, of youth - are muted. i like how you don't indulge in the emotion. its good to know that life isn't all about absolutes and extremes.
there's a lot more that could be said about this but i'm not going to bother to do PC. it's very rich in connotation and meaning. give up your haikus; write more of these! =P
Hey this is great! I like the spontaneity of it all, the shifting from determined action to the almost unintentional act of searching for happiness, the way it jumps out at him from the ordinary things in life. The third stanza and the freedom of the lines vaguely reminds me of the technique/style in Sons and Lovers. You've nicely captured an epiphany! (:
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