my first attempt ever at dactylic meter. somehow so much easier than iambs. i've had the first line in my notebook for a very long time, but most of the rest of it came in a mad flourish of inspiration two nights ago while i waited for sleep to deign to descend upon my restless soul. enjoy.
The Ghosts of Malingerers
We are the ghosts of malingerers. All of us
Sullen and swollen and fridgid with fright.
Permafrost envelopes ice-glazed eyes; do we
Realise that we can't partake of the light?
Apathy, apathy, rhyme of our time; and it
Grows and it flows and it blows through our minds.
Honour and chivalry where have you fled?
Into a box under six feet of lead.
Watch us walk - faint glimmers, ghouls of the night!
Watch as we try not to fall on our faces.
Stumbling, stuttering, seeing - but sightless,
Our rancorous looks are our stone carapaces.
And then comes our solace in times of despair;
To a cold cup of coffee we quickly repair.
-- 11th and 13th June '06 --
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
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3 comments:
I shall repeat what I said to derrick. Has huge potential if you would EDIT it. I really love the second lines of the first 2 stanzas, which manage to flow without being cheesy, and the monosyllabicness makes it intense. Some lines come across as slightly awkward... edit the 3rd stanza. But the last two lines solve all. Impressive.
adam
i'd agree with adam. especially the line "watch as we try not to fall on our faces"- it doesn't work for me. hmm i think you're bringing the reader into the poem unnecessarily- the rest of it is written as though the narrator is talking to himself.
love the last couplet though! it's beautifully anticlimatic.
RAYNER! [handflip]
this really reminds me terribly of pre u sem oh sob. so i suppose i can't comment objectively on it, perhaps it's about something else completely but oh-
AND THE COFFEE.
apart from that, i like the echo-y quality of the second stanza which juxtaposes, i don't know, ghostly qualities with malingering qualities.
AHH I AM JUST BIASED oh i like the whole thing.
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