Tuesday, September 06, 2005

i once found me on a bluff,
overlooking the sea so rough;
where i saw an eb’ny sail,
from whence came a deathly wail.

and on that morbid ship i saw,
a sight which left me rapt in awe;
for on that vessel clothed so dire
did i see my funeral pyre.

turning then i saw before me,
sheets of ice enshrin’d the sea;
where no life was wont to dwell,
where only ocean currents swell.

turning back to ship, i heard
my name; a second time; a third;
i saw the wooden pyre blaze
outshining even the sun’s rays.

and yet those rays of gold; upon
the icy cloak didst break the dawn;
and yet the flames did ever rage,
a fruitless war to ever wage.

and so did sea and ship and soul
upon that bluff myself console;
for now i knew i had to go,
away from land and life to row.

“cast your body”, did i reckon
the ocean to me did thus beckon;
“immolation”, whispered tongues,
the flames their soulful song thus sung.

so my soul to west didst turn,
even as the fires burned;
so my soul from land did fly,
underneath the azure sky.

and as the ship approached the bay,
so did the current make it sway;
and as it neared the shore i knew
i had to pay my mortal due.

and thus my heart is now in ag’ny,
for the sea cries out to me;
yet i cannot the wail forget;
glory’s spell enthralls me yet.

to live in cold or die in fire;
shall my lifeblood stain my pyre?
or shall i live for life alone,
shall my soul the ice entomb?

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nicely written, although bordering on pretentious. Reminiscient of the Odessey. Enjoyable, but this kind of tone/language probably doesn't suit the general layman audience.

(If you're writing for writers then that's a different thing.)

Cheers!
-bern

Unknown said...

i like the out-of-body experience idea, but you could have explored more of it... still, really evocative language there. good stuff.

Derrick said...

Hey, there's a reason this is the writer's blog... pretentious? how? And Rayner, what do you mean by "explored more of it"? I was thinknig by the eighth stanza that I'd written enough already.

Unknown said...

i was expecting more of the identity crisis feeling that started in the first line ("i once found me"). but you're right, overdoing it becomes bad taste

a adhiyatma said...

well. rhyme scheme and words are all well-constructed. I think though, that archaic diction needs a specific purpose in modern writing. Just an opinion. Otherwise I feel that while I like the first 6 stanzas, you start to waffle a bit near the end, I don't really know what each verse is saying anymore.

a adhiyatma said...

Oh. Haikus plz. No more of this long stuff.

Cheng said...

no restrictions plzz.

schism anyone?

a adhiyatma said...

Just a suggestion.

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