I think this may be the last haiku you'll see from me in awhile. I'm going to go read up and study some technique (as well as my CTs. heh.) ... so. Tell me what you think. (this was submitted for the Expressions publication btw. You may see it on paper in the near future!)
passers-by
heads bowed down by the weight of
raindrops
- adam
Sunday, September 25, 2005
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5 comments:
I'm always jittery about 'faultless'. But besides that, what else do you think?
It just brings across a sense of isolated desolation; like watching workers in the CBD run in from the rain while you're up in an office. It's so accurate yet also managing to capture a sense of movement and a gray varnish of melancholy.
Write more haikus like that, and you're going to CAP.
-Bern
It was more of the "transience and meaningless of life" effect for me- that passers-by could bend their head to something as small and light as a raindrop. AD-Man poem, anyone? "At last we succumb to his untiring voice", if I remember. I love this one!
thanks. oh, i think this haiku, while a good effort on my part, is starting to become too symbolic. Losing a bit of the sharpness of a traditional haiku, so I'm going to try a few more maybe later. After finishing the ballade thing.
Hi, I'm just a passer-by. Traditional haikus have 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, and 5 again in the last.
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