i once found me on a bluff,
overlooking the sea so rough;
where i saw an eb’ny sail,
from whence came a deathly wail.
and on that morbid ship i saw,
a sight which left me rapt in awe;
for on that vessel clothed so dire
did i see my funeral pyre.
turning then i saw before me,
sheets of ice enshrin’d the sea;
where no life was wont to dwell,
where only ocean currents swell.
turning back to ship, i heard
my name; a second time; a third;
i saw the wooden pyre blaze
outshining even the sun’s rays.
and yet those rays of gold; upon
the icy cloak didst break the dawn;
and yet the flames did ever rage,
a fruitless war to ever wage.
and so did sea and ship and soul
upon that bluff myself console;
for now i knew i had to go,
away from land and life to row.
“cast your body”, did i reckon
the ocean to me did thus beckon;
“immolation”, whispered tongues,
the flames their soulful song thus sung.
so my soul to west didst turn,
even as the fires burned;
so my soul from land did fly,
underneath the azure sky.
and as the ship approached the bay,
so did the current make it sway;
and as it neared the shore i knew
i had to pay my mortal due.
and thus my heart is now in ag’ny,
for the sea cries out to me;
yet i cannot the wail forget;
glory’s spell enthralls me yet.
to live in cold or die in fire;
shall my lifeblood stain my pyre?
or shall i live for life alone,
shall my soul the ice entomb?
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
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8 comments:
Nicely written, although bordering on pretentious. Reminiscient of the Odessey. Enjoyable, but this kind of tone/language probably doesn't suit the general layman audience.
(If you're writing for writers then that's a different thing.)
Cheers!
-bern
i like the out-of-body experience idea, but you could have explored more of it... still, really evocative language there. good stuff.
Hey, there's a reason this is the writer's blog... pretentious? how? And Rayner, what do you mean by "explored more of it"? I was thinknig by the eighth stanza that I'd written enough already.
i was expecting more of the identity crisis feeling that started in the first line ("i once found me"). but you're right, overdoing it becomes bad taste
well. rhyme scheme and words are all well-constructed. I think though, that archaic diction needs a specific purpose in modern writing. Just an opinion. Otherwise I feel that while I like the first 6 stanzas, you start to waffle a bit near the end, I don't really know what each verse is saying anymore.
Oh. Haikus plz. No more of this long stuff.
no restrictions plzz.
schism anyone?
Just a suggestion.
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