Monday, August 29, 2005

another attempt at poetry. Please critique. And since it's poetry and I myself have a particularly negative view towards poetry, you have greater license to flame.


Evening at the Institution by Adam

Just dark enough to send the

building of voices bounding the hard walls,

wordless spirits,

behind the trickle of pond's water.


Crossed the shadows of fronds waving

at the retort from a drain grille echoing to the open sky

orange firmament cracked with the reds, the purples

apocalyptic above the swaying of shadowed boughs.


Miasma under bluesky encroached with apocalypse

orange footsteps, fronds waving beneath

the voices whispering beneath the

hum of the generator,

someone approaches

my solace.






sorry bout the formatting, it just sux. Word-processing, the spacing is neither important nor intentional.
I tried to cut down all my language to just imagery in this poem, and I took a different, much much more analytical approach to the writing which I think has worked kind of better than previous attempts. ><.

On another note, the next project for yesit'sapun is... *drumrolls*

Haikus! Go read up on what haikus are and should be, how to write them, and post them here. I've tried a few in the past, and they are MUCH more difficult than you'd expect. Very, very difficult in fact.

Post your stuff here!

- adam

5 comments:

Cheng said...

i think it's a good attempt but i hate it when people spam adjectives. even if it's me. it's a personal thing, so there you have it.

a adhiyatma said...

Okay, point taken. I don't really think there's a lot of adjectives though, not unnecessary ones. Point out where?

Derrick said...

It's rather complicated and abstract. I don't get the purpose behind this either; or much else. The imagery in particular took me a re-read to visualize, and even then it looked like a Monet.

Anonymous said...

I quite like this one; looks like written Cezanne, but that's my AEP side speaking.

I still don't understand your poem, what it's about though. =/

-Bern

a adhiyatma said...

Okay. Will take some time to edit it. Thanks for the input.

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